I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
