Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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