I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
