there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Pants are for mortals
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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