we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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