she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
