I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Fuck appropriateness.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
