I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
