How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
