I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
