So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
