if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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