forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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