I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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