Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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