I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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