the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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