We're facebook friends in real life
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize