True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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