It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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