Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
