I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
