a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize