You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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