Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
