just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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