Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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