I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
