I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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