My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
