Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
whose parrot is this?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
