Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
