oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
