I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
