I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
