Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
