all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
