Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
oh god the rape fog is back!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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