She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
