If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize