Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
