your parents love me but you hate me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
