Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Someone came in the potted fern
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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