Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
