mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
then he tried to convert me to islam
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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