His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
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