Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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