I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
