Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
