I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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