i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize