the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
