I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
