i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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