I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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