THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
