I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
