This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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