I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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