first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
