I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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