I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
