I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
where does the pee come out of this thing
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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