yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
