Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize