I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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