You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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