I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
