Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
