Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize