I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
