I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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