When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
